Fight.

You know what I hate (apart from you, that is)? People who start arguments deliberately for no reason. I'm not talking about someone with a favourite hobby-horse that they can't keep from jumping on, or a particular bee in their bonnet that they can't stop from buzzing- I'm talking about people who will just argue about anything, regardless of whether they actually espouse the position they are taking. People who think saying "I like Vic Reeves" is in some way controversial.

It's so pathetic. I seem to keep meeting them; individuals who feel it is incumbent upon them, should the world at large say "sh*te", to say "sugar". I participated in an online discussion some months back where this very subject was raised, and was informed by one of the participants that we should all "worship these guys [argument fetishists] as gods".

Why? Why is that so goddamn clever? Since when is being a windup merchant something to be proud of?

Oh yeah. I forgot! Until you came along everyone else was is this big bland glass of passivity and complacence, and we all need your arguey goodness so we can start fizzing. Otherwise we'd just trundle along with the rest of the Mindless Herd™, wouldn't we, the hearts nestled in our doughy little chests untroubled by any strong emotion, our minds unstretched by any question more demanding than whether to get the pink glitter nail-polish or the blue glitter nail-polish, whether to shovel down frozen pizza or the tinned macaroni cheese as we sit like the slack-jawed fools we all are in front of Robot Wars, one with the soft furnishings....

Well, actually, no we wouldn't. To quote Harlan Ellison (and yes, I know I am unfit to take his name in vain- don't get all narkey, think of it like Xtians quoting Jesus) I wake up angry and I go to bed angrier. Sometimes I'm so angry I feel like I'm going to go into meltdown just from watching a five-minute news bulleitin. Look at all those other supposedly stolid, cud-chewing doombrains that you think need winding up- HER husband is dying of asbestosis! HIS dad puts out cigarettes on his arm! SHE campagains for a radical political group! HE'S trying to raise money for his daughter's leukamia treatment! Where, in all of this, do they need you? Do you think they aren't angry?

I don't need your pathetic stirring to make me more angry, and neither does anyone else. You want to fight and squabble pointlessly over positions you don't even hold? Join a debating society. Or go and play Tekken. Do anything, but get over yourself.