Marks & Sparks busted for smack!

The "I'm going to have a fit" thread

Okay, so last night I was online and I realised that I had a fit coming on. At the time it seemed like a good idea to start a thread about it. Here are some edited highlights:

At 23:52 19.07.2002:

I'm going to have an epileptic fit.

Soon. Like in the next half hour or so.

Given that I can't do anything about it, I thought it might be interesting to stay online as long as I can and tell you what transpires.

So.

Any questions?


At 23:57 19.07.2002:

...Just now everything is illuminated with a blush of yellow and rosy-pink.

At 00:15 20.07.2002:

The thing I notice most are tones of blue. I see them everywhere, like crystals. My movements feel very stylized, as if I am taking part in a noh play or a puppet theatre.

At 00:17 20.07.2002:

I can taste something, like salt but not salt. An illusiory flavour, on the tip of my tongue like a forgotten word. The keybord is bricks, sandstone bricks.

At 00:18 20.07.2002:

This is the aura. The fit comes later, a sensation like a fast train.

At 00:19 20.07.2002:

It's not going to be a bad one. It's come up fast. The slow burn is the worst.

At 00:21 20.07.2002:

It was the smell that told me. I smel lthings like burning herbs. Then they go, and when its over they're gone.

At 00:24 20.07.2002:

I can feel a weight in my palms, like stone. But it is a stone that moves with me, weight without weight.

At 00:29 20.07.2002:

I can feel fragments of identity speaking to me. It gets harder to describe. I taste salt and something else. I exult in these moments. it's the payoff for the bad times, the weary times. In these moments I kiss God.

At 00:31 20.07.2002:

I can see all the colours now. under your skin! look at your hand. do you doubt that you contain an infinity of shades? tone and chroma chapter and verse. you are the book of madder-rose and indigo. my hands will be taken soon, for a while. but how lovely that i can speak colour with my hands, while the time lasts!

At 00:33 20.07.2002:

its coming. i break open like achrysalis, i split. cant say much more. but you are the divine! look at your hands, draw breth, and do not doubt that you taste eternity.

At 00:37 20.07.2002:

over soon. i would be a river if i could. i would bleed eternal/divine. wont see it when i wake up. see it NOW.

all colours. when you see all the colours. all the colours, in any one colour. that is to taste the divine. over soon. I want to remember! the keys look like bone, like brick. pyramids and saints toes. all colours. all the colours. they all saw all the colours.

At 00:40 20.07.2002:

keys like bone, but containign all colours. the colours never leave us. God is spectrum, infinite spectrum. sound, colour touch all a spectrum.

At 00:41 20.07.2002:

it comes. ill tell you in a minute. be fine. i love you

At 00:54 20.07.2002:

It's over. I had the fit, I'm fine except I think I hit my elbow on something and I bit muy tongue. I'm going upstairs for hugs and food. See you in the moring.

Improv Message Boards - True Porn Clerk Stories

"It's THAT kind of personal service that sets your store apart from the Blockbusters!"

(Lifted elegantly from metafilter)

Yahoo! News - Weird Fossilized Flying Reptile 'A Vision of Hell'

Six foot long, massive wings, big lizardy crested head, ate fish, and may have been covered in fur.

I want one.

(Snaffled from Barbelith.)

Men are from Mars....

No. No, actually, they're not. Sorry. Opposite sex does not equal strange alien species what is all strange and alien, and/or a bitch/bastard. Try looking at the person you're trying to formulate a relationship with, from a viewpoint of What if They Were Me? What would I want?

Stop looking for codes and sigils and signs and wonders, and just... get to know each other. Stop playing those damnfool games and you'll stop losing them.

Okay, so here's the deal. Obviously a weblog award run by a national newspaper is all dodgy and messed up, right? And we all know this, right? We also know that the Guardian (heretoafter refered to as the Paper in Question or PIQ) has overlooked some totally class weblogs in the past, favouring instead the flashy and derivative (aside from certain notable exeptions, natch). Ergo, anyone who actually wins is basically going to be reviled as a humungous sell-out, their reputation ruined, cut dead in street by their former friends, horsewhipped on the steps of their club, etc etc.

Ergo, the person with the most to gain and the least to lose is me. I have no reputation and few friends; also, I tend to frequent clubs where being horsewhipped on the steps generally costs extra. I am therefore going to make a serious effort to become the Biggest Blogslag Of Them All.

My campaign to blag the blog award, Day 1

The Entry Form.

I filled it in and sent it off. Then I had a nice big glass of squash and a hayfever pill.

Wired 10.08: Strange Blood

"Cataclysmic shortages. Tainted supplies. There is a solution: artificial blood."

okay, my archives are down and are likely to remain so for a while. I'm trying to find a way round this but basically it's a Blogger glitch. It happens-- Blogger's been going through a period of change recently, and some of the guts are a little wonky still. That said: the thing is free, goddammit, it's not like it's a public service or something. Blogger has become one of my all-time favourite toys ever. Mad props for Blogger/Pyra.

Even when my archives disappear just as I'm trying to blag a best weblog award off a national newspaper.

And now it's all back. But the links are gone. And nothing I do seems to bring them back. I've tried resetting the archive but to no avail. I'm going to kick something in a minute.

All of my archives before June have disappeared. Everything. It's all gone.

Hmmm....

It would seem that the Grauniad has launched a Best British Blog competition

My thoughts on this can be boiled down to the following:

1) It's a really, really barmy notion
2) I really, really want the money.

1) because, well, weblogging is such a nebulously defined activity. What is a weblog anyway? And "best"? Best what? Content? Style? (Having read the Guardian Weekend I'd be inclined to go with the latter *snicker*). Best picture of a hedgehog in a pink party hat? Who knows.

2) because I'm mercenary as hell and I have debts the size of a big hill. Vote for me.

Slashdot.

For no other reason than I want it in my sidebar and I can't have it until Blogger stops being strange. Sulky sulky.

Real Ultimate Platypus.

Duck-Billed Platypus

Quote:

The duck-billed platypus (Ornithorhynchus Anatinus) lives in rivers on the eastern side of Australia.

The duck-billed platypus lays eggs and suckles its young.

The duck-billed platypus lives in burrows and finds food in the rivers using electrical impulses.

The male duck-billed platypus has a poisonous spur on his hind legs.

The duck-billed platypus grows to about 50cm and can live for up to 12 years in captivity.

Gosh.

(Picked up like an embarrassing disease from Barbelith.)

Armed robbery 101

(A coda to the events of Wednesday the 10th of July)


1) Do not go on the rob at 4:00 in the afternoon.

Not many people know this but 4:00 in the afternoon is when all the kids get out of school. They, or their parents, may notice your black balaclava and sunglasses and conclude that something is amiss.

2) Do not knock off two businesses in one area in one afternoon.

Even if you only get a few hundred quid from the off-licence, resist the temptation to pop into the bookies for another go. It may have occured to the bloke in the offie to phone the police, who in turn may decide to start looking for you.

3) Do not "hide" evidence under a car where everyone can see it.

Especially when you've just run past half a dozen six-foot tall wheelie bins, many containing rubbish which could easily camoflage anything else you put in them.

4) Do not leave your black balaclava lying around for hair and fibre to play with.

Ditto your half-smoked cigarette. Although DNA evidence is the least of your worries if you've already broken the next rule...

5) Do not leave a packet of cigarettes covered in your dabs in with the gun you used for the hold up. Ditto sunglasses with even better fingerprints on them.


Just in case you think I'm on the side of the robbers, here's a tip for the police:

When cordoning off an estate so as to catch a miscreant, ask a local person if there's any other way out of said estate. That way you don't end up looking like wallies when the moron described above nips down a short-cut.

Oh, the shame.

Do excuse the "bandwidth exceeded" notice adorning my sidebare where a picture should be. The unprecedented number of dog-oglers who've swung by recently means that my free image hosting thingy can't cope. I've got a less bandwidth-hungry image all ready to put up instead, but Blogger is having a bit of a tantrum at the mo and I can't change the image URL.

It's all your fault. I hate you.

Mike and Jarvis have built a lego robot that plays reggae on a ukelele. As you do.

(Biting B3TA's stuff again.)

First there was warchalking. Now we have.... Whorechalking: collaboratively creating a dirty dirty language that helps you pay for sex.

(Spirited away from plasticbag)

Inaction Figures

Inaction figure is "a group of friends who want to make everybody's life better by selling them plastic toys and whatnot." Including the strangely menacing plakky duck. Go away, plakky duck! I fear you! You look moody and resentful; you wear a polo-neck but no trousers. Arrrrgggghhhhh!

(Ripped off of Machete)

Okay.

Here, in no particular order, are some of my goals for the next two months.

Tidy up article & make a start on the next one.
Finish two of the three stories I've got hanging around on my hard-drive half-done.
Get ahold of Quark Express (probably a downloadable demo) and learn to use it.
Aquire mad HTML skillz.
Finish that damn tape for Saveloy.
Create confidence-boosting servitor.
Bother the electronics agency I'm signed up with about a job.
Sign up with and bother a couple of modelling/acting agencies.
Check new media jobs frequently with a view to finding out what skills I need.
Get back into my psi exercise routine.
Send off more CVs.
Create website to showcase my work.

Queer Granny Designs

Quote:

"You have to pick a girl bear for your second bear."
"Why? I bought two boy Kiss Kiss bears here last December."
"Well, you were really wrong to do that."
"OK, will you sell me two pairs of boy-girl Kiss Kiss bears?"
"No! Because you are gay and you are just buying the extra bears to get two gay bears, and I won't let you do that. No gay bears will leave this store!"