Gizza job.

Okay, seeing as how I'm getting all this new traffic, including a number of repeat offenders, the time has come for me to start exploiting your collective ass.

I want a weekly column somewhere. You people are going to help me get it. Got it? Good. Now what I want you to do is a simple little magick spell, chaos magickians, for the use of. (If you're not familiar with chaos magick, then Phil Hine's Oven-Ready Chaos is as good a place to start as any; there's also some good stuff on chaosmagic.com.)

You do your spell as follows:

1) Write down your statement of intent-- in this case, MY WILL IS FOR MORDANT TO GET A REGULAR COLUMN.

2) Cross out all the vowels. We don't need no steeeenking vowels. This gives you: MY WLL S FR MRDNT T GT RGLR CLMN

3) Remove all the repeated letters, giving you: MY WL S FR DNT G C.

Now you can either make a mantra, or make a sigil. Or both. Actually, do both. I really want that column.

4a) Mantra: Shove random vowels into the string of letters. It doesn't matter where or how many, just make it into a pronounceable word.

4b) Sigil: Turn all the letters into a ickle pritty picture. How is up to you. Doodle. Have fun. Take away repeated lines, add dots, add squiggles. Use a graphics package, use crayons, use paint, use your own bodily fluids, I don't care. JUST GET ME THAT COLUMN!

Having made our mantra and/or sigil, we now have to charge it. There are various ways of doing this but they all boil down to the same thing: persuading the conscious mind to shut up and sit down so that the id or the unconscious or the temporal lobe or the Higher Self (insert theory of the month here) can get a good look at the sigil and start doing stuff to the fabric of reality. I've seen many techniques suggested and tried out. These include, but are not limited to: holding your breath, jogging, running round in a circle till you fall over, meditating, tagging the sigil in dangerous places, looking at the sigil whilst really, really stoned... actually, there's almost nothing that someone, somewhere, hasn't tried (chaos magickans being, frankly, a bunch of sluts. Mad sluts.) However, the most popular and the easiest technique is to chant the mantra/stare at the sigil at the moment of orgasm.

See? See how easy it is? Go on. You were just looking for pr0n-- I can see your Google referrals. You were going to party with Mrs Palm tonight anyway-- why not lend your sordid, grubby self-abuse to a higher purpose: getting me a job? Go oooon.

Hell, it worked for Grant Morrison.