Thursday, October 30, 2003

Tired and brutishly pissed-off.

Even that hamster isn't doing it for me anymore. I feel like hurting something.

This isn't related to anything happening in the real world, you understand. It's purely my own misfiring brain chemistry that's making me want to tear around the room screaming. I fucking hate being at the mercy of my glands like this. My glands hate me. They hate you, too. My glands want all of us to suffer.

I was sort of run down today; possibly a reaction to my mammoth healing sesh on Sunday. Sounds peverse, but sometimes giving/receving healing actually sends your body off into disease symptoms for a while as it processes all the crap it needs to throw off. Cold symptoms are the commonest, but some people get fevers and stuff. It can't hurt you, it's just uncomfortable for a while.

Or maybe I'm just some sad deluded fuckwit with a headcold. Who knows.

Anyway. Angry fits. Usually I get them the week before the painters come round. I've got at least another five to seven days of this to get through, followed by a week of mopeyness and cramps. Oh, joy unconfined. Black Cohosh usually puts me to rights but I've run out and I can't find anywhere round here that sells it.

It's not been that bad this year because I've been channeling the random, unfocused rage into my writing. But at the mo I'm all writer's blocky, and that's making me bitter and frustrated.

Everything seems so damn limited right now. I know I should be moving on to the next stage of my life, the next stage of my thinking, but I'm stuck here in this space. Every time I go looking for guidance, for inspiration, for one tiny fucking glimmer of what it is I need I have to wade through all this tedious old crap, crap that people keep trying to convince me is some stunning new idea.

Well, the hell with that. I'm not listening to you anymore. I'm listening to my real imaginary friends.

You hear that sound? That sound is the wheels of the Chariot, rolling into my life. I aim to be the dude sat up top with the big fuckoff cup. You will not pull me down because I have been under those big red wheels wayyy to many times in my life already.

I may have to go and blow something up soon.

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