Tuesday, February 10, 2004


Ah, it's about time we had a proper one of those barking mad magickal ramblings, isn't it? Haven't done one of those for a little while.

So. 'K. Current status.

The last Really Big Thing I did was about a week or so ago. I was sick of having random self-loathingy shit pop into my head at odd intervals. You know, Gazpacho soup moments? I seem to get more of them than the average freak.

So I decided to do a visualization excercize to try and fix my head a bit. I sat down and zombed out into a trance, and found myself looking at my brain. I dosomething like this fairly regularly anyway, as a means of controlling my epilepsy. I have an imaginary magick zappy stick thing for fixing the busted circuits. Anyway, this was a bit different. Instead of my brain appearing as a complex chunk of circuitry, I was instead presented with a huge blob of decaying brain tissue. Gangrene and everything, man. You should have smelled it! Beyond gross.

Adopting a bird-form, I started to fish around in the icky mess. I found several fragments of a hard, dark-greyish substance, which seemed to be the root cause of the infection. They were like bits of ceramic or stone. I fished out a lot of them, but there were too many for my bird-form to deal with before the trance began to break up under the effort. (Holding a bird-form in a trance is hard for me, since I'm not really a bird person.) When I lost the trance, there were still all these little bits like BB shot.

So, anyway. That was not a pleasant surprise. Didn't realize how much of a mess things were in that part of my mind. Whipping out the fragments isn't the half of it, either; even if I get all of them I'm going to need something to kill the infection, and some way of replacing the dead and rotted 'tissue'. (Anyone got a spare brain I could cut up for parts?) Also, I don't know why one would have a headful of potshards anyway; I'm at a loss as to their significance. I usually see stuff in terms of electronics, like I said. If I'd seen a big pile o' loose wires, I'd know what to do with it.

Things are a bit funny generally in that department. I've gone all rabbit-in-the-headlights about everything. Tarot? Arggh! Freeze! Talk-To-Guides? Arrgh! Freeze! Meditate? Arrrgh! Freeze! I know what it is, of course: various nasty little aspects of my current self are facing death and they're going to fight for their lives. It's hard to fight something when half the fight is just picking up the weapon-- nay, walking to the weapons cabinet.

I will win, though. I always win.

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