Sunday, July 21, 2002

You've got BRAIN!!!

I am pleased to inform you that you-- yes, YOU!-- are the owner of a brain. You do not have to sign anything, nor do you have to send me a registration fee. You do not have to wait for it to be delivered. It's already yours! In your head! Now!

Your free, all-expenses-paid brain comes equipped with the following features as standard:

* Critical faculties!

Critical faculties allow you to think things about stuff and work stuff out, without waiting to be told by someone or going along with your first kneejerk reaction. Gosh, they're super!

* Language!

Yes-- with brain, the super head-filler, you get Language absolutely free! Language has Words and helps you to express ideas and thoughts and stuff. No longer will you be reduced to calling everything "gay". No longer will you have to content yourself with dull, unimaginative death-threats or hackneyed sexual slurs! Why say "yr sight suks!!!!!" when you could say "Your website is the diseased leakage from an infected rectal fistula and you yourself are quite stunningly pathetic"? Langauge-- it's a bit good!

* Learning abilities!

Brain also comes equipped with a state-of-the-art upgrade facility, Learning™. Imagine-- free brain upgrades, whenever you want! NO waiting! NO big downloads! Just insert information via sensory apparatus and Learning™ will do the rest! AMAZING!

"But Mordant," I hear you cry, "I cannot use my Brain! I did not go to (insert academic institution) and I'm only a (insert random agglomeration of gender/orientation/occupation)! How can I use Brain?"

Mandy the Bearded One (in a box) says: Don't worry! I went to a top academic institution and that never stopped my rise to idiocy.

That's right. You may feel ill-equipped to process certain topics-- yet how many hours have you spent sitting around with your mates and discussing why (insert sports team here) should buy (insert player of said sport here)? Or why (insert soap character here) should break up with (insert another soap character here)? In minute detail! See? You already have the basic tools for discussing and understanding all kinds of things and stuff!

"But Mordant," I hear another cry go up, "I have a Ph. D. in being dead clever from Dead Clever University! Am I not already using Brain?"

Nuh-uh! You may have used Brain for certain specialized applications in the past-- but are you using it right now? Do you find yourself waving your Ph. D. in Dead Cleverness around as a debate crashes around your pathetically untenable position in flames? Then you need to use Brain! Or you'll end up looking like a total prat!

Mandy the Bearded One (in a box) says: Yes-- intelligence doesn't equal wisdom. Anyway, what does it matter when you can't sit down and you aren't allowed on the furniture? ooouch.

So start using super free Brain, TODAY!!!

Mandy the Bearded One (in a box) says: Can I say Chomskyian now? Please?

(No. *thunk.*)

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