Tuesday, February 19, 2002

Pseudodermis_tm.com: The Face of The Future

Been thinking today about skin: fake skin. I reckon that'll be the next big thing: breathable polymers that can be grafted to the human body. No more facelifts or skin peels or Botox shots, no more sunbeds or Jolene Creme Bleach, just a veneer of plastic laid over all the flaws. Hey, mum, can I have a new Laminated Barbie?

'Course, there'd be the usual unscrupulous clinics who'd ship you off to Poland and do a really crap job: shoot you full of narcotics, slap on the plastic, get rid of the air-bubbles with a hypodermic full of wallpaper paste before you woke up, then send you home looking just mahhhvelous... till the first time you take a long hot soak in the tub and your brand new Pseudodermis(tm) starts to lift off like when you leave your PVC jeans too close to the radiator. Then there's the effect of the trapped bathwater on your skin...

Girls as young as fourteen will attempt to improvise. The latest craze will be to have your mates over to wrap you in cling-film and turn on the hairdryer. Catching on swiftly, the company will rush to get its Home Pseud-Io Line onto the shelves despite doubts over safety. The first fatality will be a fourth-former named Chanel Nerys Bligh, of 23 Mountpleasant Drive, Margate. She will expire due to the inhalation of concentrated plasticizer fumes. Pseudodermis Ltd will express sympathy for the dead girl's family, but will not accept any liability. Sales will remain buoyant, and Chanel's mum will end her days chained to the security fence outside the Pseudodermis HQ; clutched in her withered hand, a placard made from a broom handle and a faded 8x10 photo of her dead child.

(Damn. I really should patent this fake skin stuff before somebody else does...)

Today's mood:

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