Monday, April 19, 2004


Had an excellent day Sunday. LA's work laid on an excursion for employees and parteners, so I went along. First we saw Besalú, a beautiful small town with some interestin historical features. Then we headed out to climb extinct volcanoes, which rocked. Jet-black and rust-red soil, pale trees and grasses clinging to dark cliffs. After that, we went to visit the Santuari del Far, which is right at the top of a mountain and commands some stunning views. It was awesome. This is an incredibly beautiful part of the world and I feel so, so lucky to be here.

The rest of this week has been a touch sucky, which is my own fault. I got a couple of rejections, and for some reason I allowed them to floor me. Ended up all mopey and lethargic and why-botherish. Things looked up when the University of Canned Fish sent me a note saying they'd got my money, but they haven't sent the bloody certificate so now I have to phone them up a-sodding-GAIN to find out what the hell they're playing at.

I realise this is my fault, I realise I should've sorted all this mess out back in the UK, but I just didn't have the stomach to write a cheque out to an organization that had shafted me so vigourously and so recently. I literally felt sick at the thought of giving them money. Funds were pretty damn tight back then, too.

Getting the cert. will be good for my head, I think. I mean, don't get me wrong, I appreciate what I have. I'm living in this wonderful place with a great bloke, and I know how lucky I am. But... the thing is, it's just that: Luck. Sheer dumb luck. Nothing I have right now was actually earned. I'm here because of Lurid's career, his hard work; I didn't do anything to earn it, it was just handed to me on a plate. I want to achieve something. I want to do something myself, ya know? I want one thing in my life that I can look at and say: "I made that."

And it's close, that success, that thing I'm reaching for. I can feel it. It gets closer every day.

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