Saturday, June 14, 2003

Hey la, hey la...

...My boyfriend's back. Well, almost. Gonna leave in a couple of hours to meet him at the airport. Which is, y'know, good and ungrimful and things.

This next part requires a little background. From a messageboard post I made some months ago:
The threads/paths... Some of them seem to be emotional narratives (which appear to me as thick ropes of plasticine-looking stuff) but a lot of them look like things I call probability strands. It's really hard to describe them since they aren't really three-dimensional shapes. If you can try and picture a long hollow cylindrical shape that's both convex and concave so that you see an inside and an outside at the same time, that's sort of how they look. They also have more colours than the Emotion strands.

(This, incidentally, is how I do a lot of my magick these days. I try and fix it so that events go down the right probability strand. Of course some events don't have a probability strand attached to them so I can't make them happen.)

Did a scry last night to find out about my chances of a job soon. Couldn't hold the trance for long becuase I was too tired but I definately saw quite a few probability strands connecting me to my desired short term future-state. They were nice and short, too, with few tangles. (The length of the strands tends to refer to time, the convolutions to difficulties encountered in achieving one's goal. Colours generally refer to the field of influence-- job-related probability strands generally show up yellow.) Some of the strands looked a bit stunted, though, and the future-state node was small and gnarly-looking, which means that my next job will probably suck. But hey, we didn't need to scry to find that one out, did we?

Beyond the immediate mesh of strands, I can see a large oblong mass, a bit like the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssy. I think this might be the main career-node, but there's not enough detail avaliable yet. I can do these scrys without entering a trance, but there's less detail and it's harder to interact with the strands. The job strands are particularly unweildy, perhaps because my desire for a nice job has little to do with right action/Will/whatever you call it. Magick to get what you want is always a lot harder than magick to get what you really need. (Stupid magick.)

Although I'm remaining fairly well grounded I am spending less and less time in what I might call normal human consciousness. When I do pop back, it's uncomfortable; restrictive. (How ya gonna keep them down on the farm, now that they've seen Paree..?) The trouble is that when I do go back, I forget there's any other way to look at the world. I get trapped in my old, linear/paranoiac/negativistic mindset, and all I can see is rejection, prejudice, obstacles. Every time you see me getting all mizogged about everyday things, that's me temporarily forgetting to be a magickian.

I almost never perform rituals now, preferring to potter around in my little string garden. I mean to get back into that again. Should I ever misplace my ability to see and interact with the probability web, it would be a real downer to have no fallback position. You can never rehearse the basics too much. You can never build too sturdy a foundation.

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