Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Straight Pride.

God, I hate humanity sometimes. Actually, I hate you all the time, but every so often something will come along that nudges my hate into a higher gear. Here's what done the nudging on this occasion: Straight Pride wear. Stupid bloody shirts for stupid bloody people. You might as well get someone to tattoo the words "Look at me! I'm a moronic SHAVED APE, congenitally incapable of ascribing personhood to anyone that isn't part of my narrow little tribe!" across your forehead.

You might say that a t-shirt with a couple of stick figures isn't worth getting all aerated about, and you'd be right. It's the thinking behind the t-shirts that gets me all hot under the collar. This attitude that because you don't have a yearly march or a special newspaper, you're somehow discriminated against. Hah! Discriminated? I WISH you were discriminated against! I wish that just for one day-- one day-- your whinging was justified. I wish you could experience the crushing misery of true discrimination. I wish you had to wake up and face a society where the vast majority of people just aren't like you, don't understand you, actively hate you. I wish your whinging straight behind had ever been booted out of a job because someone found out that you were shagging a member of the opposite sex. I wish you'd had anti-straight slogans painted on your car. I wish your kids had been beaten up and had their money and mobile phones nicked by their predominantly gay schoolmates. I wish you'd been burnt out of your home by your gay neighbours.

"Well, Mordant," I hear you whinge, "that's all well and good, but I gotta say I'd take gay people much more seriously if they didn't have to make so much fuss about thier... y'know... lifestyle. I mean, those Gay Pride parades, they're just so ludicrous. I'd have much more sympathy if all these homosexuals wouldn't show themselves up by dressing up in feather-boas and riding around on penis-shaped floats. I mean, you don't see straight people having a straight pride parade and-- What? No, I've never actually seen a penis-shaped float, but Jeremy at work knows this fellow and blah blah blahhh..."

Well, let's take a walk down the high street, shall we? Let's take a look at all these guys in feather-boas riding around on their penis-shaped floats. Oh, that's funny-- where'd they all go? Could it be that, having only ONE DAY A YEAR to be happy with one's sexuality instead of having to hide it for fear of physical assualt and/or murder, one might be forgiven for getting just a teensy bit carried away?

We don't need a Straight Pride Day, you rigid-minded and unlovely primates, because we already have a Straight Pride Whole Rest Of The Sodding Year.

I just love the way this site wheels out the dread spectre of "PC". "Beware!-- this is not a politically correct organization," they tell us, "cause 'Life isn't so why should we?'." Has anyone else ever noticed the way that the right-wing jackasses say PC when they actually mean "fair"? When they actually mean "Boo hoo, I really enjoy kicking people when they're down, and I wish to do so without fear of criticism! Wahhhhh!"? Shut up your foul whinging, you pathetic little gits. You and yours run the goddamn world. You run the governments, you run the banks, you run the papers and the TV stations. There is no PC brigade! You don't have any real enemies! There are no hoards of dungaree-clad lezzers walking the halls of the local high school, breaking open lockers and desks and administering punitive asscandlings to young Hustler readers. There are no simpering, ballgowned cabals overseeing employment legislation. There are gays in the media and gays in the government, sure, but you can bet your bottom dollar that the further up you go the sparser they get. If you think different, then frankly you'd better be on drugs; I'd hate to imagine anyone could be that deluded without drugs. Also, they must be really, really good drugs. Hey! I want some of your drugs. Give me them or I'll send the black lesbian cripples round to make all your pets be all gay.

It's your world, str8 white folks. You should be cracking open the champers, not cowering in your sorry toilet-door-looking t-shirts.

And before you all start, I must wearily trot out the following disclaimer: yes, the same goes for all the other groups that suffer discrimination, of course, including classism. (Classism still messes up lives like nothing else).

What you people need is a minority group that really can kick your collective buttocks. What you people need is mutants. I want there to be mutants. I'm not talking sappy little Jean Gray type mutants, all schnooglies and light-- I want kickass Magneto-type mutants! You wait till I achieve my full powers. Mean green Homo Superior, levitating on in to teach you the meaning of discrimination, laser-style! That'd show you.

(Oh, and when the righteous wrath of the right-wing toilet-door-wearing jackasses turns toward my inbox-- can you guys please use the correct slurs this time? I'm a straight white woman, so "fucking f****t" is innaccurate, as is the n-word. You'll be wanting to use "uppity bitch" or similar, FYI. Toodle-pip!)

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