Friday, September 26, 2003

Life, just ticking over.

The student hive where I live has opened up an internet cafe, so I'm checking it out. It's a bit of a rip-off, to be honest, but it's cheaper than peak-rate phone calls. Also I'm sick of using the laptop and the PC's shagged again. I swear that thing spends more time opened up on the bench with its guts hanging out than it spends actually working. This time it looks like the power unit's kaput.

Shit, sorry, that's really boring isn't it? Okay, I'll bitch about something else.

Been in a lower state of consciousness the last week or so. I think that might have to do with all the booze I drunk while I was in London; I didn't poison myyself, or even drink enough to get any proper hangovers, but I find alcohol as a drug has this tendency to drag you down to lower consciousness states. (This is just my experience, of course. YMMV.)

Been feeing uncommonly run-down lately, and not sure why. Slept a lot the other day because I had a cold, and that's how I seem to deal with infections. But the infection has left me now, I'm eating okay and not drinking much except for the odd clara (lager shandy), so I don't get why I'm so knackered all of a sudden.

The enities have definately been there for me, though. They got me lost in a nearby town and thus enabled me to finally find a magick shop. I'm still looking through those lists that grant posted for a magick shop in the city, but this is a start. So thanks for that, guys.

I've decided to start working through Modern Magick after all. I had that big rush of new energy over the months since spring, and that's great. However, I feel like I'm trying to add a new story to my house without having first made sure the foundations are good'n'solid, which would Not Be Wise. It irks me a little, because Modern Magick is so damn po-faced and it feels like a retrograde step in some ways-- "do I have to go over all this again?"-- but I need a focus, some structure. Going into town today so I'll stop off and pick up the relevant kitchenware. (Yes, I do already own all that crap, but I left it in the UK. New life, new magick kit.)

It's weird. I'm doing all this stuff, acting as if it's all real, as if it's a given, and yet at the same time as if it could all be a delusion. It would be nice to get some kind of clear signal that I'm on the right track, that I'm not just being culpably stupid. By this I don't mean a dream or a bird or some other event with a perfectly mundane explanation, I mean real stuff that can't be explained away as coincidence or imagination. Signs and wonders, man, that's what I'd like. Not looking to convince anyone else, just myself.

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