Saturday, September 20, 2003

Thoughts I have thunk.

Leaving all my art supplies at home while I went on holiday was a really really good idea. All that stuff had become a chore, something I was guiltily avoiding; now it's something I can't wait to crack on with.

I have got to stop obsessing on my lack of conventional academic achievement. It doesn't matter. Sure, there's always going to be some snidey git making cracks about my background*, but that's a comment on themselves more than it is a comment on me. "Hi, I'm an elitist fuckwit who mesures personal worth with bits of paper! Please jettison any and all respect you may have had for me, and ignore anything I may say in future!"

The collapse of my writing ability: It hasn't gone anywhere, idiot, you're the one hiding from it. Stop obsessing on the fractal nature of information and do the goddamn work. You'll get there in the end. Oh, and opinion pieces are ment to be your opinion. Check your facts, sure, but do you really need to get so bogged down in quotes and comments and figures? No. Stop messing, start doing.

Healing as a profession, as a living: I realised what I'm afraid of in that regard.

1) Will need to be around other mystical/magickal types, arghh arghh politics arghhhh. Everyone hates chaos magickians argh.

2) What if I'm kidding myself? What if all this is some delusion? What if I take people's money and they don't get better?

3) Will become weedy wet like basil fotherington-tomas who skip around and sa hullo clouds hullo sky chiz moan drone.

There's also some stuff from the past, an individual who used to demand that I somehow heal the body that ze was constantly and calculatedly trashing, and denigrating my abilities when I couldn't.

But this is all just garbage, things from my antedeluvian past that need and deserve to be rolled up and chucked in the dustbin of history. Pretty good at distancing myself from other people's petty crap these days; deep down, where it really counts, I know this is for real; and dude, my whole personality is not going to evaporate because I use skill A instead of skill B. I'm me, not them. This life isn't that life. And fear is a ghost.

*Actually, it's almost always the same crack. "And this, kids, is why you should stay in school!" Oh, that one never gets tired. Really. It's almost as good as "Do you want fries with that?"

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